NEWS ALERT: Geraldo opens J.D. Salinger’s safe
by Jonathan David Phillips
mr.jonathanphillips@gmail.comToday at 6:45 a.m., Geraldo at Large Host Geraldo Rivera stormed recently deceased reclusive author J.D. Salinger’s New Hampshire compound. Rivera’s goal? To gain access to Salinger’s much rumored safe containing volumes of unpublished novels. What Rivera found was something so unsuspecting yet prophetic for the controversial television personality.
“I had my crew open the safe with crowbars and force,” Rivera said. “I couldn’t believe what I was seeing pour out when the door opened.”
What poured out were years of back issues of MAD magazines, unwrapped Mars bars, and the remains of former General President of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters Jimmy Hoffa. Hoffa famously disappeared in 1975. He was declared legally dead in 1982 after his body was never found.
“This explains so much,” Rivera said. “I’m so proud that I could resolve these two mysteries for the american…nay the universal public. You’re so very welcome, world.”
Salinger is best remembered for authoring 1951’s Catcher in the Rye. Rivera is best known for being an incredible douchebag.
J.D. Salinger Jimmy Hoffa Geraldo Rivera
